Behaviors That Challenge

Parents: Here's information from a handout I created for parents about toddlers and challenging behaviors a few years ago...hope it's helpful!!

Toddlers are at a very unique stage of development because they are between complete dependence on others and becoming independent people themselves. With new skills learned such as walking and starting to talk, we often find that toddlers feel they have to over assert their independence. For this reason toddlers often present with behaviors that are challenging for us. It is important at this stage of development to remember that we must support toddlers in this transition to independence while providing boundaries for healthy growth and development. Here’s how…

Positive Language: Many parents get in the habit of saying “no, no, NO!” during the toddler years. For anyone that has spent time with a toddler before, they soon realize that this word also becomes a toddler favorite. To avoid this “no trap” use positive language instead. Redirect the child to something they can do. Avoid using the words: "no" and "don’t." Many of these words become lost on toddlers because they hear them way too often. If a child is in a dangerous situation say, “STOP” with a serious tone of voice, you can sign "stop" as well. This will give a visual and an auditory cue to the child. If you want your child to listen to you in those dangerous situations, it is very important that you only use that serious tone of voice with them when it’s needed. Again, if they hear a loud, serious tone of voice all the time they will start to ignore it.

Redirect: Tell your toddler what they can do (and, yes, there is always something they can do) instead of always telling them what they can’t do. For example: A child throws something that is not supposed to be thrown. Tell the child “I see you need to throw something, here you can throw a ball.”

Validate Children’s Feelings: Toddlers are experiencing a wide range of emotions, often on a daily basis. When your toddler is happy, sad, frustrated, excited, etc. label those emotions for them to hear. Example: “I see you are really excited right now.” This will allow them to express how they are feeling to others later on when they are able to associate specific feelings with that emotional label.

Give Warnings, Follow-Through and be Consistent: Toddlers are constantly testing their boundaries to learn what is appropriate and what is not appropriate. If a child has been redirected, and continues to present with the challenging behavior, let them know if they do it again they will be all done. If they do it again, take away the item, if there is one present, or remove the child from the situation. If you give in one time, and don’t follow-through, your child will try even harder the next time.

Descriptively Reinforce: Remember to tell toddlers what they are doing well, so the only thing they hear isn’t what they shouldn’t be doing. Instead of saying “good job” which makes you the judge of their actions, tell your child exactly what they are doing that you think is good. For example, “I see you are helping pick up all the toys and put them away”. This allows children to start feeling good about what they have done, and builds their internal cues of what is right and wrong, rather then having to be dependent on someone else to let them know if something is right or wrong.

Stay Calm: Toddler’s that have strong attachments to their parent’s or caregivers, are usually looking to those important people to learn how to act. If you are upset and yelling, your child will be upset and yell. Remember that toddlers are not acting out to make us angry; they are simply trying to learn how the world works.

Dealing with Tantrums: It is very common for a toddler to tantrum, especially if they feel a strong emotion that they do not understand yet. Toddlers need this time to release their emotion in a safe place. If a child is tantruming move them to a safe location (the middle of the floor, on the couch, etc.) and remain close, but do not talk or pay much attention to them, until they have calmed down. This way they do not learn that tantrums get you to pay attention to them. When the child is finished with tantruming, allow them to return to an appropriate activity.

Recommended Readings:

Discipline for Life: Getting it Right with Children, By Madelyn Swift

The Emotional Life of the Toddler, By Alicia F. Lieberman, Ph. D.